empty.

7 months without any entries. Is that a good thing or a bad thing I don't even know. So what's up? My laptop's charger has been dysfunctional since early May and I don't have enough cash to repair it. I haven't even told my dad about it cause I'm pretty sure he'll piss off and blame me for not being responsible enough about it. Currently having my 3 months semester break and as usual nothing fascinating happened. I have only been burning daylight, watched every channel that exists on tv, drove my family here and there, gone groceries shopping, and endlessly hang out with Rahman. 

I wanted to blog so badly but every time I opened this new-post page, I instantly get no picture of what I'm going to write. Thought of movie reviews, but then I haven't even watched the latest movie in the cinema! Fashion reviews? Too difficult for me to describe about the linens and whatsoever.(plus I don't really have that many outfits in my wardrobe.) Daily activities? Too public. Eventually I end up closing this tab and continue watching music videos on YouTube. Pretty lifeless isn't it? If I can show you how many drafts that I have, you'd be really surprised because I have more drafts than my actual blog posts! 

Btw, I just read my friend's blog post about 'pursuing your passion' and for a moment, I kinda feel like I found a new thing to do instead of watching the clouds moving or wasting time on people who doesn't get me. Perhaps this time I'm really gonna venture myself into the arts of photography. And who knows I'll be featured in the VSCO app thingy? It's okay to dream big right? 

recovery.

Hello again everybody.

Life has been very stressful nowadays because there's just too much to be handled. Feelings, studies, final exam, homesickness, financial problems and ugh you name it I kinda have all kinds of problems. I've never been as stressful as this in my entire 19 years of living, until the extent that I feel like all of this is just too much. So I just gotta find a solution to untangle every emotions, confusions, and unanswered questions in my whole existence.

At first, I tried ignoring all the problems that I'm facing and focus on what my true purpose of coming to college is. It didn't work out but I'm pretty sure it was worth a try though. Then I decided to take things more seriously and be slightly uptight to myself like for example, if I don't cure my procrastinating syndrome, will I ever get anything done on time or not? Frankly, it kinda worked for me but it lasted only for a few hours before I found myself lying on the floor beneath the ceiling fan trying to cool off the heat I had inside of me.

So one day while I was busy scrolling through twitter, I saw something that really make sense and catches my attention. I finally came to a conclusion; "pick yourself up and face the reality". Goddamit, for a second I thought that I was the most clever human being in the world. I mean like nothing makes more sense than the quote. Instead of letting myself lie on the ground to decay slowly, why don't I stand up and kick this crazy nuisance out of my life? That would be like the best thing to do to an 'almost-murderer' right? Hahahaha.

It has been 3 days already since I last wrap myself in my blanket and drain tears from my eyes. Obviously this method of holding on to a quote somehow is extremely helpful. Therefore, I officially denounce myself in a recovery phase.

goodnight earthlings. xoxo

clinomania

Hello people.

today is my 2nd day of my so called study week which frankly I haven't done any revisions at all. life's been tougher nowadays with the upcoming final exam, unexpected pubertal mood swings, heart breaks and most of all, the sucky feeling of 'homesick'. ugh I really dont know why is it always towards the end of the semester that I started to get all these problems. I need someone or something to help me get out of this mess and to help me to get this pain off my chest.

my original plan for today was to study and revise at least one out of 8 subjects but I am just too lazy to read literally anything. I just wanna be comforted by my dearly blanket, good internet connection and a nice cup of hot coffee (gosh how I miss hanging out in Starbucks with my good friends in KK).

lately I always have the need and ultimate desire to stay in bed. even though I don't feel like sleeping or whatever, I solely fancy to be on my bed, under my blanket all the time if I can. maybe I have this clinomania thingy going on. jeez. okay so it is starting to drizzle as we speak, I guess I'm going to go wrap myself like a burrito using my fluffy bedspread and drown into a deep sleep.

goodnight earthlings.

pretty clueless.

   Ever since the day I told you that I have a crush on you, I was expecting something from you. I wished that you would at least never do anything that would hurt my feelings when I see you with him. But maybe it is still partially my fault because I pretended that I was 'fine' whenever you hold him in your arms by the waist. Then you cuddled him so passionately that you seem like you're already lost inside your own fantasy that you kept on dreaming of all these while. You were so drunk in love with him that I can't do anything anymore to have your attention back.

   I really thought you'd understand my situation and the condition that I'm living with in my everyday life. Unfortunately enough, I was wrong to the core. You don't understand a thing about the pain that I'm facing. Although you always tell me that you are worried about me, about how my feelings can change everything, I still am not certain that you really comprehend of those words you said to me. I mean like, come on, if you know what you're talking about I don't think you would act this way. You wouldn't tell me updates about your relationship with him. You wouldn't tell me how he makes you happy and how he makes your world go upside down. You really should not tell me things like that if you actually care about my feelings. Time after time, your words and actions gradually brought me to the extent that I cannot bear seeing you with someone else.

   Do you still remember that time when I told you that I need to keep some distance between us but you asked me not to distance myself away from you because you wouldn't like the change that would happen? Yeah I obeyed you but look at what it did to me? I get hurt more and more every single day, to the point that I'll have to cry hard in order for me to drown in my sleep. I bet you didn't realize of how swollen my eyes are nowadays because you're too busy being in love with him.

  At the same time, whenever our skins touch I still feel the same sentimen that we had when you were still under my halo. And when our eyes meet, it somehow made me believe like it was our first time setting eyes on each other. You always give me this weird kind of bloodrush whenever we're together, alone. Your face is fucking perfect and your facial bone is beyond imaginary. Let's not forget about your absolutely beautiful hair which always got me wondering and daydreaming whenever I look at you. Simply put, you are one hell of God's creation and I cannot stop admiring you from time to time.

   Now, I feel pretty clueless because I don't know whether I should be angry at you or should I just let you be or should I just do both and go on with being hurt all the time. One thing for sure, you are my one and only eye candy.

can't find the words to tell.

   I know we've only known each other for about 3 weeks by now but like every love story goes, since the first time we made eye contact, I started to feel this huge crush towards you. It felt like the world around me stopped revolving for a while and the one and only person that I could focus on is you. Yeah I know this sounds obviously ironic like in any romantic movies or books that I'm pretty much sure we've all had read. But I don't really care because I can't find the right and original words to tell you about how I felt. I just hope that we'll always be in touch through thick and thin and yeah whatever it takes for me to get you into my "love zone".

Goodnight.

unhappy

another 2 more weeks to go before my technical training takes place. these hours and seconds left really needed to be spent wisely. balancing between family and friends is definitely ain't easy. for sometimes I prefer to be with my friends rather than with my family and vice versa. 

I'm really sad for the fact that I may not be going back to Sabah during this upcoming Hari Raya celebration because of the expensive and all time hiking flight ticket price. It kills me slowly everyday for I can't imagine how will I stand not celebrating Hari Raya with my loved ones. and perhaps I should avoid scrolling through my instagram feeds because I'm pretty sure that people will upload pictures of them enjoying their Hari Raya celebration next to their loved ones and I'm also really sure that I'll get jealous. 

currently waiting for my allowance to be banked in to my account. my friends say we should get the allowance by this week but I don/t really think that way though. hmm I seriously need money. 

bye. 

never like in the movies.

Because of my heavy procrastination, I am now in rusty and dusty state of mind. I can't really think fast and how to construct a good post. I'm getting really slow nowadays. And for that, I might have to write everyday so that my I can get back to my optimal 'brain-speed' (if that's even a word). 

I've seen too many movies that at some point in my life, I pretend like I'm in a movie. Not in those happy movies, but more to the sad ones. Usually in movies, they made it somehow a whole lot easier to find love and to keep love until eternity. I mean like two strangers bumped into each other and coffee spilled on both of them. Then both of them got really mad because at the same time they were late for work. After a few minutes in the movie, voila, they fell in love! From being mad towards each other, they suddenly got rid of the anger and fell in love with one another! And the next thing you know, they decided to get married! Don't you see it yet? How easy it is to find love in movies? 

However, if you wake up and open your eyes and come back to reality, it is NEVER THAT EASY! You get to go through loads kinds of problems and obstacles and dilemmas and complications and misunderstandings and many more to come! Can't you see that it ain't always the same as it is in the theaters? Hahh. That's why I kinda regret of watching too many movies and to believe in everything that I watch. At the end of the day, all of it were just lies and dishonesty. It's definitely hard to find love and to help it to remain as long as possible. I don't wanna talk more of this because this will just be my next never ending rants. 

Thanks for reading! 

xoxo